Consultant Jokes

A consultant is someone who borrows your watch to tell you the time, and then keeps your watch.

A consultant's credo: Learn to be sincere even if you have to fake it.

A consultant is someone who comes in to solve a problem and stays around long enough to become part of it.

One consultant, told he was a pain in the neck, said he was glad to have been moved up.

A client with one consultant knows what to do. A client with two consultants is never sure.

Please don't tell my mother I'm a consultant. She thinks I play guitar in a strip joint.

If you see a consultant on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.

Why are consultants like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

A man walked into a consultant's office and inquired about the rates for a study

"Well, we usually structure the project up front, and charge $50.00 for three questions", replied the consultant. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the consultant replied, "and what was your third question?"

Did you hear about the Partner...

that was so egotistical that even the other Partners noticed?

What is the difference between a consultant and a trolleybus/cablecar?

The bus/cablecar stops when it looses track!

A man walks into a pet store looking to buy a monkey.

The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats. "The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner. "Why so much?" asks the customer. "Because it can sing" answers the store owner. The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one costs $1500, because it can talk and translate 18 languages." The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs $3000," answers the store owner. "3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a consultant."

A guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him...

...and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and you can do anything you want with me." Again the guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What the fuck is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and let you shag me senseless or anything. Why won't you kiss me?" The guy said, "Look I'm a business consultant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

A guy is driving around in his Porsche in the countryside.

Stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says "I've got an offer. I'll guess how many sheep you've got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me, and if I guess wrong, you get my car." Shepherd thinks he's on to a sure thing and agrees. "137" says the driver. "Damn me, you're right.", says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep. Man walks away, stuffs sheep in car, and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window. "I've got a proposal for you. If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If I'm wrong, you can have all my sheep." "Done", says the driver, counting up the number of nights he could be kept happy with 137 sheep. "You're a consultant.", says the shepherd. "Bloody hell, how did you guess?" "Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it. Now give me back my sheep- dog."

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam.

The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live." "Oh doctor, what should I do?", the patient asked. The doctor replied, "Marry a management consultant." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

How many management consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

Multiple answers:
  1. How many did it take last year?
  2. It depends -- how much money is in your budget...?
  3. None. A consultant would recommend replacing the light fixture.
  4. None. Consultants don't know how to do anything; they can just tell you how you should do it.
  5. One partner. He holds on to the bulb and the whole world revolves around him. (contributed by Andrew Clark)
  6. That's difficult to say. First, we need to do a study to see if you really need light in that area, determine historically why the light burned out, and an analysis to determine whether it's the right kind of light anyway. Then, maybe, we can recommend appropriate action -- although we may need to do additional studies to determine the light sensitivity of employees visiting the area. After that, we can: develop RFPs and RFQs, evaluate the abilities of various maintenance workers to perform the task, recommend personnel selection, and supervise the activity.
  7. Have you thought about rewiring your whole house recently?

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear a management consultant joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm a management consultant. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's a management consultant. And the guy sitting next to him is 6'5" tall, 250 pounds, and he's a management consultant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

Top 10 ways to know you are dating a consultant

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Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear from a Consultant

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Top 10 Ways to Know You've Got the Consulting Bug

You've been a consultant for too long when...

A surgeon, an engineer and a consultant are discussing what the oldest profession in the world could be.

The surgeon says : "As God created Eve from Adam's rib, I consider this as a medical act, so, the oldest profession is the one of surgery".

Of course, the engineer doesn't agree and replies: "No, no, in the Bible, it is stated that God created Earth and Heaven out of the Chaos. Clearly, this is purely engineering, so mine is the oldest profession".

At which point the consultant says: "And who, you think, created that Chaos?".

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